托福好康道相報 免費學托福TOEFL方法 考試技巧

托福寫作中考生們常常犯同樣的幾個問題，不少考生只顧及到用名言佳句添彩，卻忽視了打好地基，在用詞用句不能保證正確的情況下，樸素來的更實際，不會因為作文中多處詬病而被扣分，托福寫作中謹記打好基礎是大前提，之後再考慮修飾問題。下面我們就來看看考生們常犯的問題吧。

1.結構不平行例：I was able to raise my TOEFL score by studying hard and I read lots of　books.　當使用連詞將一系列的單字聯接起來的時候，應當使用詞性相同或同一類型的片語。

2.不知所云例：Many companies began using computers mouth.

3.段落過長，不分段，主語與動詞一致問題She are a good friend of mine that I has known for a　long time.　主語和動詞在數方面不一致。

4.句子彆扭We heated the soup in the microwave for too long and the shape of the container changed.　措辭過長或不清。換言之，句子顯得滑稽可笑。

5.不要使用縮寫在正式的寫作中不要使用縮寫形式(can"t，don"t，it"s，we"ll，they"ve等等)　，而應當使用單詞的完整形式(cannot，do not ，it is，we will，they have等等)。

6.關聯詞語重複Since I want to go to a good school，therefore I am trying to raise my test　scores.　不能在該句的主要主語和主要動詞前使用連詞。

7.句子不完整Many students have a hard time passing all the tests to get into college. For example， my friend in high school.　句子沒有主要主語或主要動詞，因為其實它應是一個從句。這是一個非常常見的錯誤，修改的方法是將兩個句子連接起來。

8.不要使用get　 When I got home， I got tired， so I got a book and got into bed.　Get太不正式，意思也過於含糊，不適合用在正式的場合。應將get改為一個更加具​​體的單詞，如become， receive，　find， achieve， 等等。

9.書寫難以辨認，信息不正確I would like to study in America because all modern technology　originated there.　傳的信息不正確，或者讓人聽起來覺得可能不正確(如果確實是正確的，應當解釋為什麼這樣，因為讀者不認為是正確的)。上述例句中，all的意思是百分之百;我們不能絕對地說每一件新東西都是從美國誕生的。為保險起見，應當使用many或most.非英語單詞Computers are very helpful and　advantageable. 儘管看起來像個單詞，其實不是，至少不是個英文單詞。使用這個單詞的另一種形式。

10.介詞多餘I would like to discuss about something important that you mentioned about to　me during yesterday. ​​We went to downtown yesterday to buy a watch. When I first came to the US，　I did not have a lot of friends in here. In class， my classmate never mentioned about her　husband.　在表示這種意思時此單詞不能與介詞連用。這種情況常見於downtown，home，there，here等詞。這些詞語在英語中是副詞而非名詞，因而不能在它們前面添加介詞。

今天幫大家整理初經常看到同學們在寫作中所犯的錯誤給大家摟~

1. 不一致(Disagreements)

所謂不一致不光指主謂不一致，它還包括了數的不一致、時態不一致及代詞不一致等。

例1. When one have money ，he can do what he want to 。

(人一旦有了錢，他就能想幹什麼就乾什麼。)

剖析：one是單數第三人稱，因而本句的have應改為has ;同理，want應改為wants。本句是典型的主謂不一致。

改為：Once one has money ，he can do what he wants (to do)

2、 修飾語錯位(Misplaced Modifiers)

英語與漢語不同，同一個修飾語置於句子不同的位置，句子的含義可能引起變化。對於這一點中國學生往往沒有引起足夠的重視，因而造成了不必

要的誤解。

例1. I believe I can do it well and I will better know the world outside the campus。

剖析：better位置不當，應置於句末。

3、 句子不完整(Sentence Fragments)

在口語中，交際雙方可藉助手勢語氣上下文等，不完整的句子完全可以被理解。可是書面語就不同了，句子結構不完整會令意思表達不清，這種情

況常常發生在主句寫完以後，筆者又想加些補充說明時發生。

例1. There are many ways to know the society. For example by TV ，radio ，newspaper and so on 。

剖析：本句後半部分“for example by TV ，radio ，newspaper and so on 。”不是一個完整的句子，僅為一些不連貫的詞語，不能獨立成句。

改為：There are many ways to know society ，for example ，by TV ，radio ，and newspaper。

4、 懸垂修飾語(Dangling Modifiers)

所謂懸垂修飾語是指句首的短語與後面句子的邏輯關係混亂不清。

例如：

At the age of ten， my grandfather died. 這句中“at the age of ten”只點出十歲時，但沒有說明“ 誰”十歲時。按一般推理不可能是my grandfather，如果我們把這個懸垂修飾語改明確一點，全句就不那麼費解了。

改為：

When I was ten， my grandfather died。

例1. To do well in college， good grades are essential。

剖析：句中不定式短語“to do well in college” 的邏輯主語不清楚。

改為：

To do well in college， a student needs good grades。

5、詞性誤用(Misuse of Parts of Speech)

“詞性誤用”常表現為：介詞當動詞用；形容詞當副詞用；名詞當動詞用等。

例1. None can negative the importance of money。

剖析：negative 系形容詞，誤作動詞。

改為：

None can deny the importance of money。

6、指代不清(Ambiguous Reference of Pronouns)

指代不清主要講的是代詞與被指代的人或物關係不清，或者先後所用的代詞不一致。試看下面這一句：

Mary was friendly to my sister because she wanted her to be her bridesmaid。

(瑪麗和我姐姐很要好，因為她要她做她的伴娘。)讀完上面這一句話，讀者無法明確地判斷兩位姑娘中誰將結婚，誰將當伴娘。如果我們把易於引起

誤解的代詞的所指對象加以明確，意思就一目了然了。這個句子可改為：

Mary was friendly to my sister because she wanted my sister to be her bridesmaid。

例1. And we can also know the society by serving it yourself。

剖析：句中人稱代詞we 和反身代詞yourself指代不一致。

改為：

We can also know society by serving it ourselves。

7、不間斷句子(Run-on Sentences)

什麼叫run-on sentence？請看下面的例句。

例1. There are many ways we get to know the outside world。

剖析：這個句子包含了兩層完整的意思：“There are many ways。” 以及“We get to know the outside world。”。簡單地把它們連在一起就

不妥當了。

改為：

There are many ways for us to learn about the outside world. 或：

There are many ways through which we can become acquainted with the outside world。

8、措詞毛病(Troubles in Diction)

Diction 是指在特定的句子中如何適當地選用詞語的問題，囿於教學時間緊迫，教師平時在這方面花的時間往往極其有限，影響了學生在寫作中沒有

養成良好的推敲，斟酌的習慣。他們往往隨心所欲，拿來就用。所以作文中用詞不當的錯誤比比皆是。

例1. The increasing use of chemical obstacles in agriculture also makes pollution。

(農業方面化學物質使用的不斷增加也造成了污染。)剖析：顯然，考生把obstacles“障礙”，“障礙物”誤作substance“物質”了。另外“the

increasing use (不斷增加的使用)” 應改為“abusive use (濫用)”。

改為：

The abusive use of chemical substances in agriculture also causes/leads to pollution。

9、累贅(Redundancy)

言以簡潔為貴。寫句子沒有一個多餘的詞；寫段落沒有一個無必要的句子。能用單詞的不用詞組；能用詞組的不用從句或句子。如：

In spite of the fact that he is lazy， I like him。

本句的“the fact that he is lazy”系同謂語從句，我們按照上述“能用詞組的不用從句”

可以改為：In spite of his laziness， I like him。

例1. For the people who are diligent and kind， money is just the thing to be used to buy the thing they need。

剖析：整個句子可以大大簡化。

改為：

Diligent， caring people use money only to buy what they need。

10、不連貫(Incoherence)

不連貫是指一個句子前言不對後語，或是結構上不暢通。這也是考生常犯的毛病。

例1. The fresh water， it is the most important things of the earth。

剖析：The fresh water 與逗號後的it 不連貫。 It 與things 在數方面不一致。

改為：

Fresh water is the most important thing in the world。

很多學生問過如何迅速提高寫作能力，一句話：“天下文章一大抄。”

其實，任何英文學習(廣泛地說，任何的語言學習)都需要模仿，也就是“抄襲”。

英文從簡單的抄起，直抄到深奧的。只有不斷地模仿，“抄襲”，才可以熟能生巧，在考場上寫出靈活多變的句子來，而照抄書上的作文無甚用處，會被扣分。這種推斷非常荒謬，原因有三：

首先，很多所謂的權威書籍並非權威，裡面的八分範文並非八分。

曾拿過國內一本“赫赫有名”的書給國外的老師看。他們看後紛紛搖頭，說不知所云。這種文章尚且可以矇騙語言經驗尚淺的學生，卻不可以矇騙考官。

學生即使背得滾瓜爛熟，也不過是背一篇不及格的文章而已。再說，目前中國人寫的文章極少有考官願意多看一眼的，更別說會夠到被人珍藏的級別。

其次，即使范文夠上了級別，學生是不是完全背下來了，背得恰當與否又是不得而知。

有的學生背了片言只語，然後融合自己寫的一堆病句錯句，分數不理想就開始懷疑考官是否打擊模仿範文的考生。又或者，考生死記硬背，看到題目類似就譽寫上去，而沒有考慮到題目修改所帶來的變化(本書會具體解釋)，試問一篇文不對題的文章如何得六分？

再者，重申一句，語言都是模仿而來，包括考官本人的英文知識也是日積月累地模仿而來。

對一件事情的描述其實大同小異，因此如果描述得當，文字上有雷同並不奇怪。

考官不會期待著你對一件事物有前無古人，後無來者的敘述；反之，他只會接受外國人所遵循的一種普通的，常見的敘述方法。換言之，如果你的描寫接近英文的一般模式，你就會得高分。再簡單一點說，你抄得越象，越容易得高分。

永遠記住一句話：所有的托福考試都是將合格的學生考出來，而不是將不合格的考生考出去。

六、插入語 

1、Computers, most important of all, create wide communication around the world. 最重要的是，計算機在世界範圍內建立了廣泛的交

流。

2、Providing more parking areas, in the long run, has proved to be a practical way out in many large cities in the world. 從長遠

的利益來看，提供更多的停車位證明是許多世界大城市切實可行的出路。

3、Observing local culture, consciously and unconsciously, can reduce the chance of offending the locals, or it will lead to the

embarrassment and even conflict. 無論是否意識到，遵循當地的文化可以減少冒犯當地人的機會，否則，就會導致尷尬甚至衝突。

4、Space exploration, some people believe, will bring some unexpected discoveries. 有人相信空間探索將會帶來意想不到的發現。

七、強調句 

1、It is for the benefit of maintaining the ecological balance that human beings ought to protect the endangered animal species.

正是為了維持生態平衡，人類才應該保護地球上瀕危的動物物種。

2、It is not until people suffer from some fatal diseases such as SARS and AIDS that they are becoming aware of how

significant it is for the government to invest more money in medical care. 直到人們患了像非典和愛滋病這樣致命的疾病時，才意識到政

府把更多的錢投入到醫療上的重要性。

3、Nothing in the world is more valuable than health.

八、比較句 

1、Studies show that juvenile delinquency rates are twice as high for youngsters from single-parent families as for those in

traditional households. （同級比較）研究表明來自單親家庭的青少年犯罪率是來自傳統家庭的兩倍。

2、Generally speaking, people in modern times enjoy less leisure time than they did previously. （比較級）一般說來，現代人比過去

享有更少的休閒時間。

3、Compared with those with different abilities, children with intelligence do more well in their school work and intelligence

tests. 與不同能力的孩子相比，聰明的孩子在學業和智力測驗方面表現更加突出。

4、Contrary to pop stars, other professionals like doctors and teachers create the true value for their society. 與明星不同，其他專

業人員如醫生和教師為社會創造了真正的價值。

5、Air is to human what (as) water is to fish. 空氣對人類就如同水對魚一樣。

九、倒裝句 

1、Only in this way can the problem be tackled properly. 只有這樣才能妥善地解決這個問題。

2、Only when children take arduous efforts can they become successful. 只有當孩子們付出艱苦的努力他們才能獲得成功。

3、Not only does studying in school serve academic purpose, but students learn how to handle interpersonal relations. 在校學習

不僅為了學術目的，而且還可以學會如何處理人際關係。

4、Under no circumstances should youngsters follow negative information on mass media blindly. 青少年決不應當盲從大眾媒體上的

不良信息。

5、So valuable is water that we cannot afford to waste it. 時間是如此珍貴，我們經不起浪費它。

6、Nowadays, most dangerous for youngsters is the tendency to indulge in playing PC games. 如今對青少年最為危險的事情是傾向於

過多地玩電腦遊戲。

十、假設句 

1、If we destroy old buildings, then we will ruin the traditional culture and heritage. 如果我們推倒老房子，就要破壞傳統的文化和遺

產。

2、You would miss the chance to interact with other students if you used internet at home. 假如你在家上網，你就會失去與其他同學

交流的機會。

3、Once you change your present job, you will be faced with the danger of being unemployed. 一旦你變換了現在的工作，就面臨著

失業的危險。

今天分享給大家的是在寫作當中非常受用無比的寫作時大句型，讓我們繼續看下去吧~

一、讓步句 

1、This view is widely acknowledged；however，there is little evidence that smoking is beneficial to people's health. 這個觀點被

廣泛認可，然而，幾乎沒有證據表明吸煙對人們健康有利。

2、Although(While) the computer has been widely used in class, it cannot replace the role of teachers. 儘管計算機已經廣泛用於課

堂，但是它不能取代教師的作用。

3、Reasonable as the opinion sounds, it cannot bear much analysis. 雖然這個觀點聽起來有道理，但是它經不住分析4、In spite of a

lot of conveniences that cars bring to people's life, they can create a series of serious problems. 儘管汽車給人們的生活帶來了許多便

利，但是也產生了一系列嚴重的問題。

二、It引導的句子 

1、It is hard to imagine what our life would look like without computers in modern society. 很難想像如果現代社會沒有了計算機，我

們的生活會變成什麼樣子。

2、It is conceivable that being physically active does good to health. 可想而知，積極參加體育活動有利於身體健康。

3、It is a highly controversial issue whether women should join the armed forces or not. 女性是否應該參軍是一個非常有爭議的問題。

4、It is universally acknowledged that water and air are indispensable to human beings. 人們普遍認為，水和空氣對人類不可缺少。

5、It is essential that endangered species of animals be protected against being killed. 保護瀕危的動物物種免遭殘殺是必需的。

6、It is high time that the government took effective measures to resolve these problems. 該是政府採取有效措施來解決這些問題的

時候了

7、It has been made easier for modern people to communicate with each other by the internet in a few seconds. 現代人很容易通

過互聯網在幾秒鐘內就取得聯繫。

8、It is worth caring about the way a child behaves. 關心孩子們的行為方式是值得的。

9、It is no use crying over the spilt milk. 覆水難收。

10、It has been a few decades since the computer came into being. 自從計算機問世以來已經有幾十年的時間了。

三、非限制性定語從句 

1、Undoubtedly, practical courses can be used to the reality, which is of vital importance to their development in the future. 毫

無疑問，實用性課程可以用於實際中，這對於他們未來發展是非常重要的。

2、Children tend to imitate what they have seen and heard on mass media, which is sometimes dangerous and harmful. 孩子們

傾向於模仿大眾媒體上的所見所聞，這在有時是危險和有害的。

3、The majority of students believe that part-time jobs will provide them with more opportunities to develop their interpersonal

skills, which may put them in a favorable position in the future job markets. 大部分學生相信業餘工作會使他們有更多機會發展人際交往

能力, 這對他們未來找工作是非常有好處的.

四、否定句 

1、Instead of indulging in playing computer games, children should be taught how to benefit from useful information on the

internet. 應該教孩子們如何從互聯網獲取有益的信息，而不是沉溺於玩電腦遊戲。

2、On no account (Under no circumstances)can we ignore the immense value of knowledge. 我們絕不能忽視知識的巨大價值。

3、College students take part-time jobs not for more money but for a better understanding of societies. 大學生參加兼職工作不是為

了賺更多錢，而是為了更好地了解社會。

4、One's salary does not depend so much on his educational background as on his ability and contribution to the society. 一個人

的工資與其說取決於他的教育背景倒不如說取決於他的能力和對社會的貢獻。

5、In terms of nutrition, fast food is far from satisfactory. 從營養角度來說，快餐遠非令人滿意。

6、Parents would not expect their children to become useful persons without working hard. 父母們不能指望孩子們不經過刻苦努力就

可以成才。

五、原因句 

1、Violent films can do harm to young people, because they contains numerous negative information. 暴力影片對年輕人是有害的，

因為其中包含大量負面信息。

2、Human beings are chiefly responsible for wild animal extinction. 野生動物滅絕的主要責任在人類。

3、We should attribute (ascribe)medical advances to the animals which do substantial contributions to the experiment. 我們應該

把醫學的發展歸因於動物對實驗做出的巨大貢獻。

4、Because of overpopulation, water shortage has become one of the most serious problems. 由於人口過剩，水短缺已經成為一個最

嚴重的問題。

5、Owing to the fierce competition in today's world, a great many young people find themselves under great pressure. 由於當今

世界的激烈競爭，大量的年輕人承受巨大的壓力。

(未完待續>>>)

為了解決同學們在篇章宏觀把握方面存在的問題，建議同學們從以下五個關鍵步驟入手：

1.仔細審題，分析提示句，明確三方面問題

 切題是寫好文章最重要的前提。有的考生抱怨，自己感覺文章內容豐富、語言生動流暢，得分卻不高。其實，文章跑題是分數偏低的主要原因。因此，審好題、審清題在很大程度上關係到整篇文章的成敗，絕不可以掉以輕心。審題，不僅要仔細研究題目，還要結合給出的提示句加以分析。首先要明確文章要寫的內容，即文章要圍繞什麼主題來寫，這是保證整篇文章切題的關鍵;其次，確定文章所需的主語人稱，人稱混亂是學生常犯的一個毛病，而在審題階段確定人稱是避免文章人稱混亂的有效途徑;第三，注意文章對動詞的時態、語氣有無特殊要求。

2.圍繞提示句，構建文章框架

 草擬提綱時，要緊緊圍繞提示句，尤其是提示句的關鍵字，盡量多地擴展提示句所提供的信息，從而基本構築出文章的框架。在擴展提示句時，要注意，可以原封不動地照抄提示句中的關鍵詞，但是絕對不要照搬提示句中的詞組和句子，一定要變換意思相同的表達進行替換，這是顯示考生語言應用能力的重要一環。為了避免段落內容跑題，要從提示句中的關鍵詞出發，圍繞關鍵詞開拓思路，發揮聯想，記錄下所聯想到的東西：可以是句子，也可以是詞組;可以是英語，也可以是漢語。然後對所記錄的內容進行篩選，選擇最有代表性的內容草擬出文章的提綱。

3.依據所擬提綱，寫出全文主旨句及段落主題句

全文主旨句(thesis statement)涵蓋全文的核心內容，而段落主題句(topic sentence)則是統領段落中心內容的。段落主題句是為全文主旨句服務的。很多同學對全文主旨句缺乏了解，甚至無法區分全文主旨句和段落主題句。提出全文主旨時，應注意下面的問題：

1)主旨通常是一個包含所寫的主旨要義，即中心思想的單一的陳述句;

2)主旨對文章的展開加以限制;

3)主旨不能用短語、從句、或疑問句;

4)主旨應該明確具體，但主旨如果過於具體化就無法展開文章的寫作;

5)同一個標題可以有不同的主旨，所選主旨必須側重標題的某一不同方面的內容;

6)主旨必須揭示作者的觀點和態度。

 為使大家更透徹地了解全文主旨句，請大家先仔細閱讀下列句子，判斷哪些句子是有效的主旨句，並說明理由：

1. Our classroom is clean, bright and cozy.

主旨過窄，無法展開來寫，是無效的主旨。

2. Though facing many serious difficulties, our reform is still a successful one.

有效主旨，既不過於寬泛也不過於細節，留有繼續拓展的餘地。

3. The sun is very important.

這句話話題過大，無法把握，用幾十萬字的篇幅來敘述也未必說得夠詳盡。作為主旨顯得過寬，比較含糊，不能讓讀者明白作者想寫什麼，因而是無效主旨。

 根據英美人的寫作習慣，全文主旨句在文章首段的最後一句出現為宜。全文主旨句和段落主題句是作者思維的起點，切題的準繩。好的段落主題句，不但切題，便於圍繞主旨句進行擴展，而又常常給讀者一種一針見血的感受。看到段落主題句，讀者應大致了解段落要闡述的內容，因而段落主題句通常是一個語法結構完整、內容概括、用詞簡潔、明了的單句。通常將段落主題句置於段落的開頭，可使文章結構更清晰，說服力更強。

4.參照提綱，緊扣主題句，完成段落。

 有了段落主題句後，還需要順著段落主題句的方向，參照提綱中的思路，從而完成各個段落。寫作段落時，要盡可能多地蒐集細節來支持主題。下面給考生呈上有關“電視對孩子不良影響”的引言段、各段主題句及結論部分，供大家欣賞參考：

Introduction: Television contributions to society, positive and negative, have been debated continually since this piece of technology invaded the average American household in the 1950s.

 Topic sentences:

 1. TV distorts reality by selecting certain kinds of images and omitting others and by portraying people in a stereotyped way.
 2. TV affects human relationships as well as behavior by influencing our feelings about ourselves and our expectations for ourselves and others.
 3. Exposure to stereotyped presentations can easily influence viewers' behavior toward unfamiliar people.
 4. Perhaps most serious are the effects of information distortions on the child's self-image.
 Conclusion:
 TV programs should demonstrate a rea​​listic lifestyle and a responsible sense of behavior. The many hours children spend in front of the television can obviously influence their view of the world. According to TV, how does the world in fact work ? As a society, we cannot afford the consequences resulting from the distortions of reality portrayed every day in these shows.

5.檢查和修改

 托福考試時間緊張，匆匆完稿之後，疏漏在所難免，因而有必要復查，修改，及時糾正偏差，堵塞漏洞，從而將作文質量再提高一步。建議大家主要針對以下五個重點部位仔細核查：

A　文章是否切題
 將文章與提綱對比，看看是否已清楚地表達了想要寫的內容。可以從三方面進行考查：一是整篇文章內容是否切合文章標題要求;二是段落主題句的內容是否與各段落提示句內容相一致;三是段落內部的內容是否與段落主題句的表達相一致。如果發現任何一個層面不切題，應盡可能彌補，刪除那些多餘的或不切題的地方;增添殘缺的、語義表達不足的地方。由於時間所限，刪的內容一定要精，要切中要害，切忌動“大手術”。

B　句子是否相互連貫
 檢查上下文是否連貫，句子銜接是否自然流暢，檢驗的標準主要是句子是否通順，該用過渡詞的地方用了沒有，以及所用的過渡詞是否合適。

C　是否使用了一些錯誤的或不恰當的詞語
 檢查文章中是否有用詞不當的情況，要選擇自己最有把握的詞來表達思想，忌用生詞、大詞，避免中文式英語。

D　是否有語法錯誤
 主謂是否一致，動詞的時態、語態、語氣的使用是否正確，詞組的搭配是否合乎習慣。為避免不必要的語法錯誤，對把握性不大的詞組、句型絕不要用。而應使用那些自己熟悉的詞組、句型來表達相同或相近的意思。

E　是否有大小寫、拼寫、標點錯誤，寫作格式是否符合要求

寫作格式規範容易贏得閱卷老師的印象分。留意下面一些常見格式要求：

文章標題用引號，
書名用斜體，
每段的第一行要空格，即留出4至5個字母的空格。

寫作除了文章內容之外更不能忽略的就是詞彙量，大家可千萬不要忘了這個重中之重，業餘時間要多看看詞彙書籍，多寫幾篇作文修改，堅持下去便可在日後發現自己寫作水平的飛躍。征服托福寫作，需將文章結構、論點展開、語言技能完美的結合，一篇優秀的托福作文才能真正地橫空出世。

有關Independent Writing 寫作，無論看過多少寫作理論和技巧，你在面對一個Independent Writing 題目時候，你就該處於“創作”的狀態。
在眾多失分原因中（沒有扣題，主題句不鮮明，不客觀，論證單一，用詞簡單，重複等等），最難攻克的一點是：細節不足！ ！ ！

試著比較以下2種論述：

1）People in extended family can get more help than those in small family. People may meet different kinds of difficulties. So sometimes they need to consult to someone else. People who is in extended family can ask more family members for helping. For example , I lived in one extended family including many family members like cousins​​, aunts and uncles. Once I met a problem with how to choose a job. My family members give many useful suggestions. They have many experience to help me. Finally, the problem was successfully solved. If I lived in a small family. I can only get suggestions from my parents. So people will get more useful information from extended family than those who from small family.

2）拓展細節後：

People in extended family can get more help than those in small family. Extended family can contribute to improvement of our life quality to great degree due to our relatives such as grandparents, cousins​​ providing us with sincere help as well as encouraging us financially and spiritually. A person living in such complicated society has to face and conquer many difficulties and troubles, which results in various pressures. In such circumstance, if you have close and warm-hearted relatives from your extended family to consult, it would become easy to deal with these obstacles. For example, I lived in one extended family including many family members like cousins​​, aunts and uncles. Once I encountered a problem with how to choose an appropriate job among several offers given by companies, and in light of my lack of working experience, I felt confused and lost facing such situation. At this time, my grandpa suggested me to compare each detail about these offers, including future promotion or development, salary level, vacation, and distance away from home so as to select the best job for me. By doing so, I successfully chose ** as my first company to serve. …………….. . . So people will get more useful information from extended family than those who come from small family.

改寫之後，你會發現段落充實，飽滿，信息量足，言之有物。
總之一句話： 細節是王道！